Originally posted 2018-10-05 06:25:07.
Something that I have thought about a lot over the last ten years is this: why would a man not want to date a trans woman? I see, practically on a daily basis, the hot stares of men as they scope a trans woman. Men can’t stop themselves.
Most amusing, perhaps, is the Western male, the Anglo-Saxon particularly (Mediterranean types have a different take on life.) So often I have been sitting in a bar watching one of them, or sometimes in the same company. I have seen them practically salivating over a girl nearby, and then their reactions as one of their companions leans forward and murmurs something crass like ‘You’ll get more than you expect with that one, mate, it’s a bloke!’
Instantly, from practically shaking with lust, a transformation occurs: the face screws up angrily, the man shakes his head. But why? The girl didn’t change; she’s as hot as she ever was. In fact she hasn’t even moved, she’s still standing there, looking as drop-dead gorgeous as only a really hot transsexual woman can.
It’s not lack of attraction
There is a legitimate reason why one might not wish to date any person: lack of attraction or interest. We all respond to our inbuilt attractions and we don’t generally want to pursue, romantically, people who fall outside those. This is maybe a form of objectification, but everyone does it. It’s hardwired into us. We evolved as tree-dwelling fruit-eaters, so we discriminate. It’s called choice and everyone wants a ripe banana.
But that was not the point of the question, which was why one would avoid dating a transsexual woman if one were attracted to her. Our drooling Anglo at the bar couldn’t wait to get his sweaty paws on the toothsome delight before him, in her six-inch heels and legs that went to the moon. No. Our boy was attracted all right.
This is a whole other can of worms. It’s about a man who finds a particular person attractive and interesting enough to want to have sex with, but will not do so because she has — or used to have — non-standard genitalia.
That there is pure transphobia, open and shut. Our man doesn’t even want to buy someone, whom he really would like to know physically, even a drink, because she’s transsexual. That is an irrational fear of trans women, otherwise known as transphobia.
Tip of the Iceberg
There is an imagined ‘bargain’, in which ‘being a woman’ implies that one’s genitalia, not normally exposed to view, must be of a certain order. But that reduces all women, not just trans women, to sex objects that are defined entirely by the nature and history of their genitalia.
This idea, that, having paid a woman sufficient attention, or money, for her to consent to have sex with him, a man has a right to expect her genitalia to be of a certain order, is a pernicious assumption, deeply damaging to all women. This is what leads to the increasing numbers of purely cosmetic labial removal surgeries, amongst other absurdities and, in some benighted cultures, far worse. Goodness knows I’m no feminist, but mutilating oneself in such a way, in order to satisfy the expectations of others, seems to me to be absolutely outrageous.
But if women should not be measured by their genitalia, then why should trans women be so? Many have Genital Reconstruction Surgery in order to feel more comfortable as women, and to have sex as women. Are they then to be shunned as ‘fakes’ or ‘cheats’ because they used to have something that they went to very great lengths to change?
Transphobia is deadly
Furthermore, this mindset can be lethal to transsexual women. Jennifer Laude was killed because a US Marine on shore leave, called Joseph Pemberton, discovered that she had a penis — after he had taken his pleasure of her. Very much the same happened to Gwen Araujo.
Two words that end a relationship
Transphobia causes harm on a less drastic level too. I once spent a week trying to support a dear friend who was agonising about whether she should tell a man who had been expressing serious hots for her, that she was transsexual. Of course I advised her to, but I hated myself for doing it. I had no choice because transphobia can be deadly to a transsexual woman.
My friend was under no moral or ethical obligation to tell the man details about her genitalia. The man pursuing her was not seeking to marry and start a family, he just wanted some sex and believe me, a trans woman can do that all right. But in order to prevent her getting into a situation in which she might get killed, I had to say that she should inform this man about something that he had no right to know, at least at this stage. Because of transphobia, her genitalia suddenly became the only thing about her that mattered.
So what if she’s gorgeous, smart, funny, talented, great company, affectionate and charming? Doesn’t conform to a certain expectation of women, so none of that matters and she had to cry herself to sleep over yet another guy who suddenly lost interest. Like countless other beautiful transsexual women, all the time.
As they say ‘Two words that end a relationship are “I’m transsexual”‘. Who cares about their support and loyalty, their genuine love and affection, the warmth of their bodies in the night, the way they slip their hands into yours or lean against you? An extra little bit of meat somehow trumps all that.
Telling them that these men are fools who don’t know what they lost out on seems small comfort.
In reducing this lovely woman to the contents of her pants, transphobia does the SAME THING to every other woman. They are also reduced to genitalia, and not just the genitalia they have now, the organs they were born with. Birth genitalia, in this world view, is all that counts. Therefore that’s all a woman is — genitals on legs. How staggeringly presumptuous and demeaning could it possibly get?
Over the years I have had a great deal of feedback from feminists, who seem to think that looking like a woman is their prerogative and theirs alone; that transsexual women are ‘appropriating their identity’ or ‘colonising their bodies’. (While decrying femininity as ‘stereotypical’!) I hate to break it to you, muh sistuhs, I don’t care. Transsexual women have been around for many thousands of years, probably since our species evolved and I don’t imagine they’ll be going away any time soon; so suck it up, buttercup. If a transsexual woman makes herself more attractive to men than you do, too bad. It’s called competition in the free market; and let’s be honest, they have a better game than most feminists do.
Gwen Araujo’s murderers — who beat her to death with various implements, including a cast-iron skillet and a shovel before setting her on fire — were egged on by cis women. Why? Because she ‘usurped’ the status they thought they alone had a right to, by dint of their genitalia?
Jennifer Laude, Gwen Araujo and thousands of others were brutally killed by men who had had sex with them, but could not stand the idea of others knowing that they had been intimate with someone with a dick. Why would anyone do that? Because of transphobia, that’s why.
These transsexual women were murdered by their lovers because of their expectations. Expectations driven by the people around them, the beer-buddy whispering ‘that’s a man, dude’ and the jealous women whose anger at what they saw as illegitimate competition led them to encourage a stupid man to think he had been dishonoured — by someone who gave him exactly what he wanted, sex. Exactly what he had pursued her for. Exactly what his culture said he would be lionised for — knocking off a beautiful woman.
That is about as sick as it gets. Seduce a woman, achieve your desired end and then kill her because her genitalia don’t look like what your buddies say they should. What, you morons can’t notch your bedpost so you bludgeon a girl to death instead?
Not only is all this transphobic and misogynistic, it is profoundly cowardly because it is all about one thing: fear of penises — even in the past tense. Big tough manly men indeed, so afraid of a few ounces of human flesh that they will kill a woman after having sex with her. It is utterly despicable.
The only legitimate reason for not dating any woman is that you’re not attracted to her. That’s fair enough. We all have triggers. We should try to be open and fair, and to look beneath the surface, but attraction is instinctive.
Personally, I don’t give a hoot if you don’t like to date transsexual women, because it means you’re a transphobe and frankly, that makes you a piece of shit. But don’t give us the crap about preferences, or ‘dating is about making babies’. You know perfectly well that dating is not primarily about marriage, but about getting your cock serviced and a transsexual woman is just as adept at that as any other woman — and possibly a good deal more so.
You’d jump into bed with any of them
The fact is that you would jump into bed with any of the women on this page, as long as you didn’t know they were transsexual. That’s plain old transphobia and there is no point in trying to deny it. You’d have delighted in their bodies, fucked them blue, and been happy to put that notch on your bed-post — but all because of a couple of ounces of meat, you would beat them to death instead.
Not dating transsexual women because you’re transphobic doesn’t make you Adolf Hitler. You’re missing out on a great experience, something that might change you, possibly improve you. You might even pass the love of your life by, and never know it. But if you want to be transphobic, it’s up to you. Miss out. Stay away from them, if you are, though. Avoid those places where transsexual women, however they describe themselves, congregate, hoping to meet men. Go and be a monk somewhere. It will be safer — for them; because you know you can’t control yourself — and you can’t tell the difference; nobody can, until the clothes are strewn. And, quite frankly, the rest of us will not have to be disgusted by your bigotry.
Just don’t give us the bullshit that your reluctance to date a transsexual woman because of her genitalia is anything other than transphobia. That is what it is all right.
And for Christ’s sake, stop killing them.