Archaic Humans Discovered in Scotland

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Originally posted 2014-02-26 19:41:18.

Scientists all over the world are turning their attention to Scotland in the wake of a shock discovery that ‘archaic’ humans may be alive and well and living there.

The discovery came when one of them was filmed saying that they ‘were not evolved to make political decisions’.

Professor of Anthropology Farquhar Mc Farquharson of the University of Aberdeen explained: ‘All modern humans – Homo sapiens – have evolved highly sophisticated social behaviour including the ability to arrive at complex decisions within a formal political framework. The discovery of a population that lacks this ability, apparently living alongside more developed hominids, is very exciting.’


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He went on to point out that while there had been numerous anecdotal reports of sightings of potentially archaic humans, notably in Sauchiehall Street after ‘Old Firm’ kickball matches, this was the first time a live specimen had been caught on film.

Johann Lamont, whose discovery triggered the excitement

The subject of the surprise discovery is apparently known as ‘Johann Lamont’, and her revelation more than explains the disastrous state of Scotland’s so-called ‘Labour Party’, which has been unable to make an intelligent political decision in several decades, and which, bizarrely, managed to elect someone ‘not evolved to make political decisions’ as its own leader.

Prof. McFarquharson continued, ‘This raises really interesting possibilities. At first thought it seemed as if a pocket of Neanderthals (Homo sapiens neanderthalis) might have survived, when we all thought they had died out 30,000 years ago. But Neanderthals had developed social systems like ours and it seems likely that they were also able to make political decisions. That might mean that the group belongs to an even older hominid species, Homo heidelbergensis, which was thought to have gone extinct in Spain some 400,000 years ago, as a result of drinking too much Fundidor brandy.’

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In Prof Mc Farquharson’s lab, graduate students have been studying the film, which shows the archaic human talking to a modern human, all day. However, the task is so distressing that students can only watch the screens for 20 minutes at a time. The Professor explained, ‘To our eyes the subject is shockingly ugly, but of course to her own species she may be very beautiful. However, despite the difficulties in observing her, we have already established that she shows many morphological traits consistent with her being of an archaic hominid type, such as low forehead, beetling brow, massive jaw and so on. Initial tests on her speech patterns also reveal differences from modern humans.’

A reconstruction of a young Neanderthal girl.

Meanwhile, Professor of Palaeontology at Edinburgh University, Dr Michael Scott, said ‘I’m sanguine about this. There’s a lot to be done to establish whether this is actually evidence of an enclave of archaic humans living in our midst, or whether it is just some sort of genetic evolutionary throwback. It might even just be a wee nyaff who doesn’t understand big words.’

Professor McFarquharson was undeterred, however. ‘There’s a Nobel Prize in it if this info is kosher, so it’s into the Profmobile for me and away down to Glasgow. No other bugger’s getting that limmer on the dissection – er, sorry, ‘examination’ table before I do.’


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Artist’s ompression of a n H. heidelbergensis woman. The similarity is striking

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